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I realized today that Grief is my new best friend. It’s October 7th, it’s been like nine months. For 280 days she has visited me, at least once a day. That’s 76.7% of 2025 so far. That’s devotion. When I look at it that way, I feel honoured and grateful. As much as many of those visits brought some of the deepest pain I’ve ever experienced, isn’t it beautiful that she kept showing up, kept returning despite me not even being able to look at her sometimes; despite me avoiding, running away, rejecting her. She kept showing up to remind me of the love that was there, and to show me that that love is still there, just relocated to a different place in my body and mind, in a different colour and flavour. Isn’t that beautiful?

And although there was so much pain, when I could bear to look at Grief, I clung to her desperately, like grasping a handful of knife blades. What an odd experience to feel the worst pain and want to keep it close. It’s surprising she hung around when I was so desperate and clingy like that. Blowing hot and cold. I appreciate her devotion. I really do, and I can’t believe it but I feel the appreciation and gratitude deeply. Thank you, Grief. It’s nice to see you. Keep stopping by, you’re welcome anytime.

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2025 things i would love to capture through art: raw blue, beach days, brooklyn, mezcal, parasocial relationships with bands (some of whom appear in your dreams more often than anyone you know personally), housewives, puzzles, finding a horseshoe at the side of the road, deeper friendships, pink, independence, change, huge fucking change, possibility, waitressing, feeling the fear and doing it anyway i have no choice, i can’t believe i’m finally doing it, actually life is magic, actually life is what you make it, actually it’s quite easy to make things happen compared to what you’ve spent your life thinking, feeling seen, i miss him, dream themes like why is it always raining??, nostalgia, softening, becoming extra gentle (more than you ever expected you needed to or could be), little rituals, nights out dancing, painting classes, taking leave, taking leaps, trust, god, universe, divine connection, synchronicities, jules, grief, longing, loneliness, travel bug, feelings right at the surface, raw and tender, fibre, receiving, giving, selling, buying, opening, connecting, exploring, experimenting, do or do not there is no try, writing, anxiety, i can do anything i set my mind to and it’s not corny it’s real, poetry, doodling, journaling, maybe i want to make a movie, maybe i want to write a script, i appreciate art more and more each day and i’m so grateful for that, gratitude, serenity prayer, prayer in general, the smell of incense, taking more walks, smoking cigarettes, stopping smoking cigarettes, visiting the park across the street as often as i should have been doing all these years, drum lessons, missing things, i miss a lot of things, i miss jersey city, i miss my bunnies, i miss jeepie, i miss playing open mics with you, i miss watching beavis and butthead with you, i miss the taste of the food you cooked, i miss dropping you off on sunday nights, i miss you, i love you, still.

While I can’t say that I won’t ever make points, I’m feeling called to go back to that. I wouldn’t be the same person without LiveJournal and the people I met there, and this feels like the antithesis to the AI fluff that abounds on SubStack, so hi!